Being used?

I have been feeling depressed and aimless lately. Also lonely. Steve never talks about a future with me. It's always been like living for the moment. My uncles completely disagree with the idea of "living together with a partner without getting married". They are traditional and consider it immoral. I have been rejected by them as well for doing this. They are like that. If I don't comply by norms, they reject people. Also, talking about having my own child only results in fights with Steve. So I have resorted to not talk about it but to decide things on my own as it's still in my control. It's depressing to be stuck in a relationship that doesn't fullfill some of the critical needs of a woman. Just because he had to go through hell with Alonna that resulted in him having loss of trust in teh system, relationships, partnership, marriage, etc. with a woman doesn't mean all women will exploit hte system. He is scared and I get it as well. I have been the same in Sri Lanka. I was so scared of getting legally married to my first boyfriend who desperately wanted to marry me. I was scared he will take all my property and trash me. Also having children has always been a dream of mine ever since I was a teenager. I think this is some sort of journey I have to go through in life. Dealing with complex feelings when trying to babysit a man's children who hurt me continuously by either ignoring me completely, not looking at my face, when trying to initiate conversation, they don't respond or respond back with hurtful comments. I am done with it. Yes they are kids but I don't want put myself in a position I am treated like that. It's likely their mother tells them to behave so. I know who I am and I won't go through that. So I am considering options and it's happy to know that I at least have options. I am looking to buy sperm from a man who is also willing to father a kid because I believe both mother and father should be present in the child's life. I am also not goign to have unprotected sex with Steve because it's traumatizing living with him knowing he is in constant fear of seeing me pregnant with a baby while he happily planned a family life with Alonna once. So defintely he is not playing fair. But at the same time, I want to protect myself from the trauma it's causing me, his constant fear of seeing me pregnant by him. To him, me saying that I want a baby itself is a crime. It's not normal. I have been questioning all these and realized this is not normal. Women celebrate motherhood and plan for it. So my next option is adoption which I like as well. I can have two kids, one adopted and one biological. And I pay my own bills. Of course that's not the life I want. I want a normal life like how my father earned all the money and mother was responsible for raising us. But with Steve, who is American, he will never get it. I don't want to be 50 years old an live with regret. So I am taking measures in my own way. There is still light and no need to be depressed.