Face the truth

Most effective changes happen when I face the truth, the raw self in me and really understand where I went wrong, my flaws and thoughts in a brutally honest manner. If I keep masking and keep facing "What I like to be" opposed to "who I really am", the more it gets me away from the truth not leading to an effective desired outcome. So I have made a decision to really question me and my past actions throughout the time at JW. The truth is, I can't afford to lose my job at JW because of immigration and the high rent. Here it provides me a smooth stable environment for me to learn and grow while building stability in my life. I waited 7 long years to achieve stability in the USA. Seeing my own towel rack/cllothing rack in my room gets me to realize that I haven't had my clothing rack since 16!!! That's a very very long time.I have been living in hostels, boarding houses, out of suitcases, bags that I never had a stable place to call home. Literally never had a place where I can call home. It's sad. Why let it all go away in a second? My weakness is that I am impulsive and act out of emotion. It never leads to a good outcome. For example, I was also thinking baout the way I managed Josh. It was not the best. He is a master manipulator and plays by the situtation. Much like Chris Hodum I had to deal with. Should have got rid of him at first even though my bosses were protecting him. Lack of faith in me has most often led to bad decisions. It's always possible to do things. That's something I have to keep in mind. I can do anything. There are no blockages. The only blockage is my self belief. However, I have to learn to be diplomatic. Corporte is a place for diplomacy. Where I went wrong is because I was always and ALWAYS AM straightforward. While it gives trust, it doesn't help if I am around people with bad intentions. THere are are so many angles to look at, and not just work. For example, having Josh in the team was indeed beneficial but at the same time, he was throwing me under the bus behind my back the whole time. I should have fired him or switched him to a different team a long time ago. I have two areas to think of- 1 Performing well 2. Having the right people in the team who will also secure my job and be trustworthy I should have trusted my gut a long time ago. I knew right away about Josh and Anuj. It was right. Anyway being Yabing's team is not the best decision for now. I am convinced about that. Despite her knowledge, I have realized that her approach will lead to chaos. She has no regard for people at lower level who actually perform the job. She will have a positive relationship wih lower level employees if they are chinese/East Asian. Being vulnerble around Roven didn't help either. He doesn't have any faith in me. That's what his actions say. I made a few bad decisions here. I shoudl have hired a lawyer to get advice from when Ritu kicked off the investigation. Instead, I treated Ritu as if she is my therapist. 'In conclusion- Know my desired outcomes in a brutally honest manner, be intentional, plan actions and words before executing.

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