2022

I did the right thing. I got a new job and gave my resignation. Hate going to work for the rest of the days. I feel really happy about resigning. And I am very excited about Burns. Life has to move forward. I need to get my green card filed. I can't risk it all on a bad boss. Need to stay very controlled and quiet for the rest of the days. There are situations Yabing can make my life hard. So have to be very sensible and calm.

On a positive note, I think it's good to take a month break. To reflect back on what I am doing right, what should change, what I am doing well. And also to get through CISSP this month. The cost of the break is $8000. If I make it right, I can make plans to make $100,000 in the coming year. There are few things I can do to make money. Consulting via my cybersecurity chick page. Grads app. App development for small businesses. Sell rotti. Work at Sigiri. Explore NYC. Write to the top notch businessmen to get vendors from back home. If I plan it right, it's going to turn my life around. With us planning on having babies, it's time to look forward. Selling the property of parents to get some money etc.

Had an intense conversation with Steve. To save up $200,000 for us to have kids. Also he said he will look into other options like the immigration stuff and marriage stuff

Just another Monday. On a positive note, Yabing will be on leave for the rest of the week so it's not going to be really bad. I am thinking of giving resignation next Monday.

It's not that bad. Not as bad as I thought. I am getting jobs and interviews and even seeing that companies are willing to sponsor etc. It's going well I need to prioritize my growth and that's CISSP. It's not like Yabing is going to stay with JW forever.

Trust the gut. Always. When I heard a new VP in security is going to take over, I was suspicious. People side with the one who has the most power and influence on their lives. Josh's personality entirely changed when he knew my boss is protecting him. These are good learning. People always sway toward the power when there is opportunity. Men behave differently in the work environment. Main thing is to be strong and resilient. Move forward. Nobody can win by fighting against the boss. What's doen is done. Damage cant be undone. Main thing is to show up and do the work.

My uncle is always making me feel bad about myself. It doesn't help to be honest. I also want to pay off all the debt I owe him and just be away from him. When things go bad, you want to hear good things. Not terrible things. Law of attraction. Think positive.

Resilience. I feel sad for Beth. I asked her to coopereate. She didn't Also had a weird dream last night about my childhood home. It was like some sort of closure that's required. I saw my grandma haunting. There was disturbance and confusion caused as a result of the paranormal activity. So should I go back home and sell it? I hate to go to Sri Lanka. Have to find a way to pay back mama's money

One of the important things is that never lose hope. I went for a jog yestaerdy around central park west side and realized how big the world is. It's not just my company and basically my life does not revolve around this small company that doesn't even make $35 million a year. I realized I can do a lot.

I am feeling pretty negative today. Had an intense conversation with Steve about Emily and triggered some of my belief systems as well. His beliefs screwed him, getting married for the age and the potential housewife material. High scoeity works different. I tried explaining to him over and over again but he won't listen. Emily has a lot of demand because she is potential. Alonna is a trash woman and a trashy poor farmer. Steve could have done better. His low self esteem and the childhood trauma got him entangled in it. He still doesn't seem to understand his mistake. He still justifies it. I asked him to date a young woman and see.

Why are you being a bitch Yabing? You are purposely making my life hell and you know you don't know a shit about incidents or security operations? But you freaking advice me onthis and I am getting sick of this. But I need to have a way to document it. Need to play the game Chris played. Lol

I am feeling very negative today. Periods. Got a no almost from the senior manager post. I am like wtf and I don't even care anymore. Anxiety is troubling. But it will be okay. Just have faith and keep going. I survived. ANd I will survive whatever is ahead.

So Beth left. She gave her resignation. I am feeling upset. It' slike I have only myself. I get it though. She has had enough. I should maintain a calm composure and handle it.

Complaining to the HR made it a mess for sure. And I am waiting until I get a job soon. This is not the best place to work at right now. THings got toxic after the complaint and the investigation. The HR obviously told everythign I told to my boss. I don't think it's safe to work here. Also I trusted Josh too much. He has no loyalty and sways base don what works for him. And he definitely uses his Chinese descedant for his advantage. It's a tough spot to be in. If I am not cooperating with the boss or not showing positivity, she takes it out on me in different ways. Also Josh is protected by my boss. He was, from day 1. Psychic readings are witchcraft. As much as it helps with my sudden anxiety, I need to stop it somehow. It doesn't help and it feels like someone else is controlling my life. Sometime back going to the office felt great. Now it feels like a prison I remember Wen saying that she would like to involve me in a proejct related to Ayman. And even though they...

Much of life's situation is about attitude. Being positive and grateful is importatnt. Also need to maintain a calm composure to get through the day

I have dreams. TOday I got very lonely and felt empty again. Miss having a famiily and kids. Faith.

Watching the ghost story distrubed my calm peaceful energies last night. Also I sought psychic readings again due to the growing anxiety in the uncertainty. That's the thing about me. I get a lot of anxiety. I need to find ways to address the anxiety. When I act out of anxiety, there is a higher tendency to do stupid things. It's not healthy. I want to be picky about my energy

Never complain about your boss. NEVER! Apply for jobs and leave silently. Maintain relationships. Don't be an asshole. High performers don't always get retained. I was shocked to hear Glenn was fired. This also teaches me to get along with Josh, Jian and Wen even though I hate it, even though I know thereis evident bias etc. You just have to learn to put up with shit. It's not your mum's company. It's someone else's. Do the goddamn job and come home.

I feel insecure seeing my team fading away getting closer to the others. Jian feels closer to Josh than to me. Partly because I am very busy. aLSO i wanted them to get along and feel comfortable so that they could enjoy work. Beth looks prettyh negative and can see she hates work. She had the same attitude when she was in Salim's team too. Anyway, Main thing is not to react on impulse no matter how bad or triggering it is. It never yields to a better outcome in corporate. I have to go ot office almost everyday if possible.Staying distant from the team is not going to yield a positive outcome. It won't help in this situation no matter how comfortable it is to work from home. I have to get into the habit of going to office from next week. It's draining partly becasue every fucking thing I told just became public and I started looking liek that employee who records and complains about the boss, who can't take pressure, who accts immature or whatever. wtf. It's embrass...

You know it was not a fair game and you used your power to get ahead. By this time you have to realize that I don't llike to work for you. You show different treatment to Chinese vs. Non Chinese. And Josh lies to you about me or my work because of course he is jealous I got his position. And then you believe him outright and accuse me. That's not the standard corporate behavior. You are supposed to have both Josh and me and question his lies. And you don't. Of course, I just hate working for you. You don't give managers the respect they deserve. Why would I even work for you. And you take credit for all the work I do. And then don't appreciate it. You are horrible to work with. I hated working for you since I discovered how you manage people wihtout giving the due respect to the managers. You criticize managers in front of their direct reports. I am not going to work for you any longer.

Yesterday I got very negative. I saw how Yabing was working directly with my direct reports and it scared me again that she is looking to replace me.But so the HR is aware I am looking to switch teams adn she is aware as well. After the investigation, she told she is going to change her style of 1-1 etc. It was a good life lesson. Beth is distant as well. And to be honest, I am scared to get close to her knowing how anything could just backfire on both of us. My uncle got mad with me yesterday and hung up. Because I was negative. And he was very critical about me. I should not call him again to be honest. If he doesn't believe in me, why have him right? I mean, just check on him and help around but not make him my parent beacuse boundaries are important when he doesn't believe in me. It's not doing me any good. He is the one who called me saying he saw me in his dreams. I was being distant becasue it was not really helping me having him criticize me every time I call. He n...

I am anxious. Q2 delivery review is due today. This is why I need to get used to the habit of checking my calendar every Sunday night and plan. I have to work Everytime I look back and check my work, I feel there is more tht could have been done.