2022

I sent money for Sumathipala's family. Both to his sister and the brother. It feels good. I miss Sumathipala a lot. Thats the thing about me, to get this far in life, I had to remove all human elements and the sensitivity because the attachments were not helping me. Capital One days were a waste of my life. Working in a call center when I have so much great experience at Fortune 500 and have earned so many world recognized degrees was so stupid. it's the place you live in, not yourself that's the problem. You live in a plaec like st. cloud, they are never going to value you and are goign to feel always insecure by you. When you move to New York, it's way different, specially for a foreigner. New York changes my life drastically. It's been a bit more than a year since the move. I have paid off all my debt almost , saved up almost 20k in cash!!!! and doing well in my current job. The ideal would have been to apply for jobs in all states just when I moved to St. Cloud...

This year was a blast! Undoubtedly! I have saved up almost $20k!!! Also have paid of all my loans for the most part. I am not paying upstart off because I want to build my credit score. I am very happy with where I am at in my life. I am meeting with 2 of my previous coworkers today. It feels great to have the support. I have realized how important it is to make friends at work. I wish I could stay at Justworks. It was a very nice company to work for. SHould have been more patient. In this whole decade, I learned the importance of patience. No crappy situation lasts forever so have to wait patiently. Instead I rebelled in some workplaces believing that the corporations live by their word. They don't. It's all a game. Never speak up. Just do your job, come home and move on. At Burns, I am going to be patient. No matter what. Compassion solves all problems. Mark this month - I have made it. I was thinking. Coming back from Kansas city made me realize that I have made it. NYC i...

That's the thing about life. you climb up to to the top and all the people who matter to you the most are gone. Sumathipala, my parents, ammi who did so much for me, all are dead now. I walked to all 3 of my convocations alone to the point that I don't attend those anymore. I am not excited. I achieved the life I dreamed of at the age of 17 when my motehr died and felt lost in a very dark world of nothingness. I am yet to have kids and hopefully will be able to get pregnant this year. I am also glad to have switched jobs in last year because feel like Burns is more stable and solid compared to the chaos in tech startups. I will not work for small to medium sized tech companies in NYC. I want to try the Big4 next time. Will do 5 years at Burns adn then switch for a senior role. Honestly, I am embarrassed. I am 35 and ChatGPT CEO is 37. Life has a lot more to do with it. Grads has been a mess.

I am checking in with myself today. The past week was EXTREMELY hard. A new project, I got sick and then traveling to KC. Have to work on the research paper. It's a lot going on. I am gonna take a shower in a bit, grab medicine, eat and then head out to work. I can stay in better focus when I am outside. Also need to buy pizza for the office crew. The success right now lies in recovery, good spirits and positivity more than in anything. I am sick af. I don't want to travel to KC. But all flights are booked and plans are made. I told myself I won't show up unless I am in best spirits. I still feel feverish. I need to use this day to recover. Take a couple of more hours to feel strong. Yesterday I ate a lot so that I can gain strength for immunity. Now that I am panning on having kids, I can't bullshit anymore. Have to stay focused and grind. Of course, Steve takes the lead but I still want to be very sure of giving a good life for my kids. I don't see us living in St...

I have many intense feelings today. I am going to be a mum or at least work on it. I am nervous, scared, worried. Steve wants to move to St. Clair MI. Disgusting. At the same time, I don't have any choice at this time really. Just going to see how things go. Steve also changes really fast so the odds of him staying in a freaking trashy blue collar poor town is very less. I really want to raise my kids in a good environment, not in a blue collar neighborhood. I prefer Manhattan. I think it's safe not to quit the job or to take a career break. I think I should find remote work. ASAP. I have to stay at Burns for at least a year before moving again. Need to complete my CISSP soon.

I pat myself on the back today for waking up at 4 am and falling back asleep. Yesterday I woke up at 4 and fell asleep again. Day before, I tried to wake up at 4 and couldn't. Now this is progress. I am forcing myself to do what's good for me. Waking up early gives improved focus and you are already winning. It builds the winning mindset. I want to do well in the job, in the relationship and focus on building a happy family. I know what failure looks like so doing anything and everything to stay away from it makes me feel secure. It's also a trauma response. But this time I want to be relaxed. chill. take it easy becasue little things can help a lot in getting far in life than mere hard work. It's about the llittle things- how you sound, how you walk, how you speak, CONFIDENCE SHINES! Corporate trauma is the worst to deal with, Same thing keeps happenign over and over again. But wait, I am doing things differently this time at least. I am giving myself credit for that....