2022

I have been feeling very down lately , specially owing to the relationship challenges. It has affected my self-esteem largely and the sense of identity. It's sad to see Emily taking a puppy. She broke up and opted to adventure. Living like a child. The 20s probably she never had. 20 freaking years of her life in America! It scares me to see her living such a depressing life. My thoughts are scattered right now. Feel like a failure in every way. Feel embarassed. I have to collect my pieces together and get going.

I felt uncofmrotable after presenting to the office. I felt I overshared. It's also the whole cultural adjustment. In Sri Lanka, it's ok but here everything matters. Anything can go against the me anytime. I had a long dream last night. It was about work and work environment. I feel exhausted already after that dream. I didn't want to go to office today because I feel very exhausted. Partly because of the relationship as well. Not sure if I should go ahead with the break up or adjust. The braeakup for sure disturbed the current equilibrium. He always wants to break up so I feel the best is to braek up. Can't go in a relationship when the otehr person is unhappy. I also forget to do the basic things like collecting the lunch box from office. Literally hate it. April and March had been tough. And i failed CISSP, Got a bad rating in my performance evaluation. I need to work super hard. It's actually the relationship. If the work relationshps work well, then the perfor...

Feel like everything around me is changing. Job, relationship etc. When there are changes, I have to stay calm before I respond. Some changes can be positive, some can be negative. When I have anxiety, I crave someone to speak to. The therapist was all booked yesterday and this week. My only resort as usual was speaking to astrologers even though that's the worst route. These people just lie manipulate and make money off of you rather than trying to help. That same psychic I was going to for a long time, again tried to manipulate me yesterday to get me to spend more on her readings. I just quit. I know it all right now because I was going through all her messages inthe past years and realized she was just manipulating to keep me hooked. The more negative readings they give, the more you ask, the more you spend and she is well aware of it for sure. I stepped down and gave up. I have to find another therapist as a backup so on the days my therapist is busy, I can use the backup one. ...

It's been an enormous struggle.But I have to get going. I am very heartbroken by Steve. I don't have time. I need to have kids. Feel it's best to break up. I have to find a guy and get settled. I will be fine. I got through the hardest when I was 17. I will be fine. I am sure :)

Cleaning the house yesterday was a game changer. The depression left me also after speaking to Priya. She took it all in a very light way. It helped identify problems. When you are living abroad alone and doing a relationship your family doesn't agree to, you don't get much support. They all wanted me to marry a Sri Lankan. I wish I could. It's never been smooth with Sri Lankan men. I have decided to change my whole corporate personality and game. The key is to talk a lot and find a random set of topics

The only person who has to change is you. The only person who is in control is you. I can't change others. I can only change my reaction and my attitude. The only way I can change my brother is to change my relationship with him. Treat him like to an adult.

I am starting to feel very depressed. Thought I was building my entire life and planning it out. Steve broke up. Now I have to figuure things out. What's most important right now is to know if Steve and I are done. Sooner he makes a decision, easier it is for me. I can move on. I don't have time. Break ups are hard in general. It's very painful. My friends are going through divorces, breakups separation. Why am I attracting that type into my life? Priya is the only person who is happily married. She is also type A married to type B. March was rough. Lots of CISSP satudying that drained work and the relationship. Just have to focus. My mind is running all over. Ups and downs are life. Nothing is constant. Have to stop thinking it's normal to have all stable. No. Yesterday Nam unfollowed me on IG and I got a bit hurt because she was a great genuine friend. What I need to remember is that people outgrow their friends, lives change and people move on. It's not a bad ...

I am again getting anxiety about my job. I suddenly got thrown a 90 day performance review for Friday 8-9. Unexpected and it's not the norm. I have to give more attention into the job. Speaking with psyhics helps fall asleep but what I really need to do is rationalize. I am paid below the market salary right now. So even if I lose this job, I can still get thorugh my CISSP and get a better paying job. I have to keep investing in me. The past week had been tough partly becasue of Steve. All this fucking dramam is super annoying. I am at a point in my life I want to break with him even if he doesn't. To be honest. Not setting my own standards led to this. Same with Emily. Have to set clear boundaries with people or things don't work

iYou think everything is going well. Boom! An issue arises and things fall apart. Steve wants to break up. I think we were all set and I was just planning my life with him and a family. He wants to break up. I think it's best to let him go. At this point I don't care about anything to be honest. I just wanna get married and have 2 kids. I don't care about the man that much. Just the basics, educated, wanting to live in NYC and a good man. Everyone has a purpose in life. Maybe Steve's purpose in my life was to help me out and help me move to NYC. Once the purpose is done, they are gone. And time to move on to the next step. I was planning 50 years of my life with him. Boom it's gone. LOL. See, never get attached. That's good in a way. i AM STARTING OVER Now. Getting ready to date again. Lookign to rent my apartment, move back to Manhattan. Find friends.

Here comes the single life in NYC. Day 1. I feel good. Of course there is a nostalgia but emotions won't help. I am going to not let my emotions make decisions for me. I paused Bumble. It's draining. Right now I don't need any noise. I need peace to figure things out, the man I want, the social circle I want etc.

Flying back to NY has been depressing. Steve is always being so angry mad and mean to me. He is my only friend in this big city and now I feel so lonely, alone and lost. Unfortunatley, I am not in touch with Emily anymore either. She was boss and draining and so full of herself. I just didn't want her around. I am looking for genuine connections and people who have their life together and are open to grow. I don't want to get overwhelmed by masculine strong energy in my life.. Staying home workign is extremely hard becasue in this small space we have, I have to share with Steve who detests my presence. I wish I can go somewhere for a couple of days but I can't think of anyone. I cacn fly back to MN but it will disrupt everything. The past week has been so hard. I have to start going to office from tomorrow. I signed up on a dating app but I am not interested. It's already draining me seeing all these men. I feel taking a break. I also don't have time left. I have to...

Too much work can cost your relationship. It's important to have a balanced life.

Steve broke up, I failed CISSP. The only thing that went this week was the court hearing. Katy was persistent, aggressive and I loved her but I wish she was more experienced. She looked like a fresh graduate. I feel Yabing would have felt the same way with me. It's very important to act mature and to think about the appearance. Little things matter a lot. I had a bad dream last night. Some man was cornering me in a lift. Life without Steve is unimaginable. He has defined me in many ways and I have come to discover who I am. I love building a family with him but he is also this ultra perfect man who hates repetitive irritable behavior even if it's habitual. This is when I wish I had dated a Sri Lankan guy It's easy. Same values, same practices adn they stick around for the most part because they don't want to be embarrassed by the family for breaking up. Honestly, I don't like to date again.It's a lot of work and and risk as well. Steve is my person. He has been...

I have had so much low energy today. Demotivated. I thought Yabing would leave. But she didn't. They have hired a senior analyst. I feel like a failure for not being able to stay and still having problems in the corproate. Main thing is emotional control. I need to shut down Teams when I am in a high emotional state. Yesterday in my dream, I saw myself being killed. It was like I was chased down so hard by a man and was cornered into a room. There was another girl with me as well. She got shot. It's important for me to get up at 4 in a consistent manner and start meditating again. With all the bullshit goign on, Steve getting mad etc. my routine got so disrupted. I have to come to reliz that the truth is a I am a BIG persoanlity. No two big personalities can exist together unless one compromises, or both rationalize and focus on the output , optimum option rather than fighting. I am bold, stronger than think I am and will take a risk. More entrepreneurial. I sometimes want to ...

The ongoing week has been tough. I sense that my team doesn't like me. I have a lot to do which I staill haven't thought of. For exampel traveling to sri lanka is a big one I need to accomplish. I need to work relentlessly this year. It's a rough year. One of hte most important things is focus. I believe that's going to considerably make my life better and help get rid of the big issues. I have been blogging here since I was a teeanger and it has helped me alo, especially in getting through the lonely nights and shitty days. There was a time I would go to the library and start writing up when feeling so overwhelmed. It helped a lot in gaining clarity in life and being focused. Bottling up didn't help me in life. I got depression for the first tiem in my life in 2013 was due to negligence of my own needs - physical, psychological and emotional needs yet prioritizing the needs of others. SELF first. Then others. You can't take care of others if you don't take ...

Relationship issues, lack of sleep and I was caught off guarded yesterday at work. Felt vulnearble and bullied and I was least prepared for it. I took a deep breath. I am happy with the way I handled it. I was not trying to fight and was more trying to keep peace giving them the victory. The chances are now that they know my weakness, they are going to do it again. So I have to prep. Krista asked a question if I know stuff and obviously I don't know 100% because she has given me less exposure into the project and Joe doesn't get involved with the management. It's a mess. Joe listens to what Krista says. wHAT does Joe want? He wants to make it a successful project. What does Krista want? power. What does Christine want? Attention. What do I want? I just want to be retained. That's it. I don't want much. Play my cards in those lines. Build trust with Joe first. Communicate directly no matter what. Group chat is better. I felt Krista and Christine being teamed up again...

I am hitting a point in my life where I am starting to understand Steve is not what I really want. He doesn't want kids and won't marry to make sure I don't have to go through all the immigration struggles and then complains when I work hard. The past week was very difficult. Allergy was killing me. Then Steve asked me to leave to my friend's house and I had to leave, couldn't come back even when I wanted to come back. Interestingly, I pay the rent and can't stay in my own house. On the other hand, he is also goign through a lot of stress and he probably got very overwhelmed. My exam is in 8 days. I am so nervous. Every job I applied for didn't work. I am stuck in my current job. It's still nice. It's a solid team that's been there for like forever. Everyone gets along with everyone. I am also starting to experience low self esteem and feelings of lack of self worth owing to things that don't work, friends like Emily who are distancing and cr...