2022

I am starting not to ilke my job when I heard they don't pay overtime. Well for that, I need to have a direct convo with my boss and not with Krista. It's a mess. Like th eboss is detached from the project. Anyway I remember seeing my mother in dreams last night. She was in sri lanka.

I am feelilng EXTREMELY tired and fed up. It's like studying working 24/7. Very tired. Mostly mentally. Have a lot to do and I keep thinking of things I have to do all day long.It's important to understand that I am human and going on at a stretch working 80 hours a week is too much. It resultsi n fatigue. As of now, I am starting to get sick of the work I am doing. I wan tto go a day without having to think about work. Basically need a break.What if I take today evening off? My plan was to wake up at 4 and study but I couldn't. When I woke up it was 5:30. I went back to sleep because I felt I have hardly slept all night. It could be the coffee. Definitely an evening workout could help. I had plans of doing Sunday yoga which I love very much but got extremely tired and gave up on that yesterday. I wake up tired. It should be to do with my evening ritual, lack of exercise, and doing things that make me grumpy. I have a court hearing coming up, then a speech, then this awar...

I am feeling very overwhelmed today. My credit score has gone down drastically. Plus I feel like a piece of shit for yelling at my brother and not being patient when he wanted to FINALLY work on his resume and the job hunt. I need to be freakign patient. LIKE FOR FUCKS SAKE Be patient with people

The challenge in each person's life is in differentiating between what's relevant and what's not. Workplaces are staressful partly because of the previous baggage I have been carrying on my back. There is a high need to be assertive and to break those vicious cycle. I have to. There is no reason to be loyal to my past self that resulted in lots of trauma and issues. I HAVE TO BE ASSERTIVE. i DON'T WANT to repeat an evil workplace but rather would work on having a good workplace with good colleagues.

Waking up at 4 changes the game. It really helps build focus and get a lot done. Yesterday at work I learned a bit more about Krista, not that she is going to have a significant impact on my life.She is clearly trying to control me and trying to showcase her skills and also the racial bias plays a role I am sure. Her behavior or others' is derogatory, avoiding me, ignoring me at meetings, or won't let me talk etc. I have decided to keep the relationship strictly professional simply becasue these people become more toxic when you get close. It's crazy to see Christine being stupid and being controlled by her, Joe doesn't have a good impression about Christine. That happens a lot. This si why it's important in the corproate to identify the impactful people beforehand. For me, i's Joe. He is the only person I have to impress. The new opportunity I got sounds better. Product manager in T&D. I will learn a lot. I feel I should go for it over sigmaflow. Attend ...

Corproate has different types of individuals. Beth for example won't tell me directly she only prefers a professional relationship with me but rather would lie and act non responsive to me. She told she didn't get my text. It was a lie but she was replying to the other girl. So it was hard for me to say whether she was honest or whether she was avoding me. However, I should have analyzed her body language and the statements and should have ignored her. I also have guilt of persuading her to speak up at Justworks even though the consequences she faced were a lot less than me.It definitely affected the trust. I mean it is gone now. I should not have spoken up in the first place. I am still trying to understand the corproate even after 11 years. I have to be more receptive to it and learn the game fast. Corproate is about working with people and being nice to everyone. Even if you can't do your job, even if you don't have skills, if everyone likes you, you will be retained...

How you value is yourself is how others value you. I have to remember this. Yesterday was a great day. We did so many things. Went to the temple and sunday school was the best part of the day. I showed Steve how Sri Lankan kids are being raised. I just hate American kids because theey don't act like kids. Fucking entitled adults in kids bodies. I don't get any feeling for them. I decided to relax on Sunday. Just get ready for a crazy week. I have to focus on studying for CISSP, getting ready for work, making rotti and then a few business stuff.

Somethign I need to be mindful this year is about learning to say no. Know my priorities and learn to say no.Saturday I took for rest. It was a nice saturday. I think I need to be rest without working at a stretch. Today going to the temple was really nice. Met with so many kids. I love sri lankan kids and how they are being raised. cissp is my top priority. It can give me more career stability and growth. I have to prioritize that. In the meantime, have to find time to focus on my startups. I am wondering if I really want ot hang out with Emily. It's sort of an energy drainer. And starting to realize there is not much value addition as I anticipated. I thought having educated professional women will add value but instead it's sort of being superficial and a waste of time and money. Finding women who have achieved what I want to achieve wouod be a better. Female entrepreneurs and successful rich women who have a balanced life (not single mums etc.) would be nice.

Today I am very frustrated. Yesterday I felt ignored and also suffocated in the relationship. He was talking with his kids for 30 mins and won't even acknowledge my presence. That made me feel ignored. He was also very loud. I don't like his kids because of the way they are being brought up. For million times I wish I could marry a Sri Lankan guy and have a normal life. But it was not possible. None of them would marry me and have any feelings for me. I was not their conventional girl owing to me losing parents at a young age. I never wanted it to define me but unfortunately it did. So this si the best I have got now, Steve. I have to make the best out of what I have got. He takes care of me when I am sick and takes a genuine interest in me. I also had a bad dream about my brother agian. This time he was going into jail I also realize that I invalidate my feelings and thoughts a lot because people around me do that to me a lot. My feelings are valid. I need to prioritize me. Y...

Today was rough. I had a nightmare. Two nightmares. One is where I saw a man, a complete stranger, tied up and was being used as a tool to blackmail? I saw newspapers. Hardly can remember what it's about. It was very disturbing. He was tied into a tool, face covered up or distorted, hard to look at. Then the other is where my brother was in some way involved or related, I was running to save him. Horrible nightmares. I have realized every time I use a psychic reading after awhile, I get nightmares. It's weird. yesterday I used psychic readings because I got so anxious about my job and the career. I have to somehow work on improving my image. People who get retained in the corporate are not the top performers but the ones who make others comfortable around them. It's just not in me. I intimidate people I guess. How do I make people comfortable? Talk slow, ask good questions, don't ask questions where their lack of skill or talent gets exposed,

I decided to be active on Twitter again because I am a consultant now, my public presence is going to be important. Meeting Kitty was very heavy energy for me. It's almost like she was acting a role. Not the raw self. What I like about Emily is that she is so raw. Sana was the same. Steve obviously got attracted becasue Kitty is super friendly. She is not necessarily a bad person. Not just what I want to have in my life. And then it hurts me that Chana had unfriended me without asking what's wrong. But it's also very important to do what's good for me, demand respect, care about myself and make sure I am treated right. So what's gone is gone. My life is New York city is so beautiful. I have no complaints. I went for yoga today at 9 am and then went for a massage. It helps relax a lot. I have a ton to do but today I don't wnat ot stress myself. I have decided to help my brother again. So last night I spoke with him for an hour. He agreed but getting him to do the...