2022

Cutting off my brother tremendously helped me in relieving stress and improved focus.I have to urge to communicate which I am resisting from within because I know any type of communication with him only brings more stress. I have to do what's good for me. I want to also go to work. It helps in reducing stress caused by Steve and being more productive at work. Living a normal life even when my pregnancy test indicates positive helps me stay relaxed. Chhsu has not messaged me to even check on me. It's weird. She is also the kind of girl who si not relationship focused but is focused on having a good time. This is why I liked Emily but Emily was always crossing boundaries, did not respect who I am as a person. Making friends as an adult is hard. I also have to be more open and kind while always setting personal boundaries.

Not to give him money whnever he asks Not to give in Stick to the word

Definitely been a challenging month. Dizzy, lack of energy and been faintish. It has affected my productivity level. I also need to get through my CISSP so there is not much time. Work is gtting more challenging.

Getting involved in the entire Sri Lankan drama has been exhausted because my brother would not take any action, doesn't have hte courage and would not follow what I say. I don't even like to go down to the level of dealing with sri lankan people. It affects my image and my status. I like to help the poor but I don't want to deal with it in a way that it affects my status like what's happening now. They already walk up 5 ft high and I don't want to inflame it more. Dealing with my brother has been most exhausting. Liteally I wish he dies. I just can't help him. Every time I try to help him, he screws me over by taking the side of people who try to destroy him. Maybe he is possessed. I just don't know. I sense a lot of hostility from my current network on Facebook. 5 more days to go and I will be deactivating my Facebook to take legal action here in the US. I need to report this issue to the HSBC NYC so that I can protect myself if Sri Lankans sue me. One ...

My hormones are going crazy. About my brother, I don't know if it's my hormones or the normal behavior but I have been tagging HSBC and naming people in public a lot for the past few days. Finally it addressed the issue though. They granted him leave. I came to the understanding that at this time in life, my brother doesn't even know what is best for him. He has got so sucked into the system so bad, he doesn't know there is anything better. When he was planning on buying the bike I knew he is in a whole different socail segment. lt's kind of like Suvineetha nenda and my father's brother. They are in totally different social levels. I wonder if the same had happened to two siblings who grew up in the same circumstances in the same family. When I take my brother and I, it looks like we are from two different parents who grew up in totally different circumstances. For me, I have been industrial always. Goibg to Colombo uni was a lifechanging decision. It completely...

Maybe it's my hormones goign crazy and overreacting. I am so worked up and can't wait until I take down Punsara. I want to keep fighting and take her down and won't stop until I do. I am SO MAD! Need to calm down. I am going to get my phones fixed and after that going to back up avepoint data. ALso going to go for a run at central park. I need to think so much about my food clothing every freaking move now that I am pregnant Have to be very careful. I have changed. Feel like I am slowing down. It's crazy. I was running at 20 mbps and suddently it feels like my life is at a stand still. I don't like to move to Jamaica and always love to live in Manhattan. But Steve wants to get a 3 BR in Jamaica Queens close to the temple. Just going to wait how things go and see. I think I am overreacting. I have to take a step back. I am so fucking mad!

So I am pregnant! What a shock. I am still in disbelief. Lol. 35 years of life and finally made it a whole different milestone in life. First was getting my first job. Then moving abroad. Starting uni at 22. I should have moved to the UK at 22 but hell, I waited, blew up my chances. But the US is far more better. I am very happy to be pregnant. I don't want to leave NYC. I just cant picture myself leaving NYC ever. Steve persists on leaving to a healthier state which is better in terms of environmental pollution.

I don't know if I am pregnant but dealing with my brother is taking a toll. He is a very mentally unstable character. Not a good person either. He feels more for the company he worked for 12 years than for me. I have put in so much effort to help him. Somtimes it's karma. People are not lucky to have things. Even if you try to help they won't know how to accept. I have to exercise self-control and to let go of what I can't change. I thought he would take the first brave step to change his life but he keeps wanting to go back to the only life he knows. The truth is he is never going to think of me and never going to love me. The reason why I help him is becasue I think of my parents. But you can't live for the past. You have to live for the future, create a beautiful life eahead. What do I want? Prosperity, ability to make use of my life and a happy family.

The objective of the EV work is never the EV work but to built a small trustworthy network of peers to get through the workplace. Network matters. I do have a lot to study for CISSP. Need to push through. I made the decision not to pursue CPP. With the whole merger going on, it's not going to add any value at the moment. Also it's very costly. I would rather prep better and take my CISSP. I have mixed feelings about the merger. One is that it's going to open me up into so many possibilities. Second is that, it's going to be competitive than ever, and definitely not going to be an easy ride. With me planning a family, I am wondering if the stress is worth it or if I can cope up. And then that stupid woman Alonna is makign a big scene again. She can't even afford legal action but keeps threatening. I have my performance review with Joe tomorrow. Have to prep. how to handle Krista? Stay calm and speak to Joe. Show reasons. She is never goign to admit her wrong and admi...

Yesterday was bit of an intense moment for me. My brother is starting a degree, quitting his 12 year job at HSBC and while working for my startup. It's a very intense moment because I feel like I am tkaign a huge risk of financing him paying $200/month. I have also come to a point of realization where I know what works for him. He works best under pressure. I have to always remind him. If I let him be on his own, he is going idle and heading into destruction. The ideal method recommended by Americans does not work for my brother. But I am at the same time very proud of him. He is up at 7 am heading into driving lessons. He passed his driving exam (not the trial), he passed his aptitude test. Now these are two wins. What he does best are exams. He can work at HSBC for another 10 years more and it won't change a thing. I am excited to see him graduating from SLIIT. It's a 4 year damn degree and he will be 41 when he graduates. At least he will have a 6 figure salary by then a...

Gratitude is important. I am glad I mailed Steve's mum a gift. Also tipped the UPS guy $20. I regret because I realized that I think less before making a decision. And it takes so long for me to make decisions. I am very frustrated with myself. I am the queen of regret. Impulsive emotional decisions lead to regret. But hey, it's just $20. I can stop repeating those if I correct myself early on. I also have a hard time makign friends. I liked Emily but I realized things didn't work out between her and I because we are in two different phased in life. She just ended a 6 year relationship and she is enjoying her freedom, feeling liberated. I was liberated for decades doing crazy stupid shit my whole life after parents' passing and now I want to live intentionally, think long term. She and I are not the same. Plus she tried imposing her bullshit on me and I got sick of it. She didn't try to udnerstand and accept things. Working with my brother is very frustrating becau...

Having kids has not been as easy as I thought. Sometimes I don't like how my life is. I don't even know if I will have kids. We have been trying for a few months. Of course Steve took like forever to be convinced that he will have a different outcome with me than what he had previously if he decides to have kids. Him seeing my father's family clearly helped. Not a single damn divorce and all aunts and uncles have been together for 30 + years which is also their first love. That's hte Sri Lankan culture. Marriage is not reversible like in the western culture. Even my parents wouold have reunited had they been alive. They never re-married and never moved on. Sad. I wanted them to be together. I WANTED! Ammi was reluctuant. Being a 35 year old woman now, I realize what ammi actually wanted. Ammi wanted my father to say sorry and not just say sorry but to show it through his actions. He did not realize that. He tried reuniting by sending messags through others. Ammi does n...

My department is going through chaos right now. I was not happy initially but I started being happy after I realized how I lost my well deserving PM position and when thinking how Joe stormed off at me. Now I am happy that my department is merging with a bigger department. It's a $150 mn business. I have to stay calm until the chaos goes away. I like how they are implementing change. They remove all the direct reports from the current managers and appoint new managers for them. That's a great way to drive change. If the direct reprots keep reporting ot the same managers, then it's difficult to implement change. From the look of things, it looks like 1898 wants to implement a lot of change. I am going to bank my CPP this year somehow. It's $2000 but worth it. A bigger department means things are more standardized, possibly less politics, at least now the shitty politics we get now. I didnt liek reporting to Joe anyway because he never saw anthing good about me. Always br...

I hated these two weeks. Workplace has gotten so hard ot work at. Joe was horrible to me last week. Then this weekend I had to work because Eric miscommunicated. Project managment is a nightmare. It needs more structure. I attended STEM Kids NYC orientation session. It was good. Happy. I couldn't gt a lot done this week that I planned for MYSELF. I worked so much out of anxiety. Work has gotten so chaotic. I was planning on exercising this weekend, going to the library, having our chat about the startup, attending a meetup event to improve inmy communication and people skills and completing a timed CISSP exam. When I lose touch wtih CISSP, it's not easy to pick it. I hate how much my work interrupts. My anxiety has skyrocketed in the past week. Work had been so overwhelming. I asked Steve to marry me so that I don't have to work like this. I can quit the job and find a healthier job. But hey, new beginnings. I am moving to a new department, getting a new job and starting ...

Joe keeps haunting me in my sleep. The way he scolded me in front of juniors is not accceptable at all. He used filth. Despite all the hard work I have put in, it was very demotivating. I kind of feel that Josh probably felt hte same way with me. In Josh's case thoguh, he was not showing me support from the start. If the team was not merging with 1898, I would have left by now. I like having a mentor. Dan had been so sweet and amazing. I should mail him a thank you card today. Froma holistic angle, it does not look like Joe will be retained. I have to stay cool. It's also doubtful if Krista will excel because she had only worked withJoe and clearly may not be the most adaptable or the fastest to adapt. my previuos job taught me one thing and that is to adapt. Had I adapted to yABING, I would still have stayed. With allergies, it's been difficult goign to office but going to the office had helped me stay productive. Why did things go wrong here? PM communication miscommuni...