2022

Courage dear heart. I have a lot of anxiety regarding my relationship. I also have a lot of anxiety related to the job. Coworkers being bitches and telling lies about me with my boss and my boss is easily manipulated. Switching teams is the best but it's been like forever. I didn't get any news about the new job. Talking with Steve everyday helps. The monk brought in a lot of peace into our lives. We think the American therapists are helpful but honestly but the monks are better. They don't go with theories. They provide with practical solutions. Contentment. Peace.

What a rollercoaster it's been. The relationship really created a lot of turbulance in my life Upsa nd downs are very difficult to take and affect all areas of my life. Things are finally slowing down. My relationship is getting better and that's helping me stay happy. Monk brought ina lot of clarity. I am very thankful. Need to get the priorities right.

Not everything in life has to be perfect. Once as a kid I dreamt of my parents living together and having our own little happy family. Then BOOM! Both parents just died and my brother and I were left alone in the world to defend ourselves. life is like that. It doesn't have to be perfect. Nothing is perefect and IT'S OK. Now I am 35. Just about to leave a 5 year relationship. Since no relationship ever worked out for me since 2012 now my plan is to pursue my dreams on my own. I am done trying my luck. For some people it's not meant to be and IT'S OK. I am planning on builidng my own little family. Two kids. Daughter and a son. Our cute little safe Manhattan apartment and countless trips to Sri Lanka where they can enjoy life in the highschool I attended. The boarding school was great and the teachers were ver loving. I am excited for them to enjoy it. I can already picture myself carrying a little baby girl.I want to work hard to make them happy. Get through the exams ...

Sad- I hate the idea of Steve coming back home. It's horrifying for me to know he is again going to throw a trantrum at me and just continuously criticize me. It erodes my self esteem. This relationship is hitting toxic limits. According to Americans, leave. Balance is the word. A relationship gets toxic if I let it. I was talking with this guy from LIC and realized how refreshing it is to connect with healthy people. He likes gardening and cooking. An attorney. Men who are spiritual are beautiful to be around. THe difficulty is the feeling of guilt. I met Steve at a time when there was no one for me. THat's why it's hard. He helped me out ina period no one was except my family. There is no emotional safety in this relationship. He breaks up and I have to try hard to get him back. It's not healthy. I should let him leave. I also don't have much time. I have to plan for a family.

My weekend was better. I enjoyed time alone. Went outside yesterday. Then did yoga at central park today. I didn't enjoy men checking me out. So stopped after 15 mins but still a beautiful day. Studied at a nice restaurant. The waitress was so nice. I could have made her my friend. Very genuine and loyal. I learned this is the best way to make friends. through real life experiences. It shows the reality of the people. I have realized what I want in life to be happy - true genuine loyal friends, not sanna, not kass, not Emily. None of them are nice people. They are selfish, competitive and are not givers. I don't like Steve coming home/ I felt so peaceful and happy without him. So anxious again he will start yelling. the truth is every relationship is nice at the beginning. Shit starts later on. Him not wanting kids is a deal breaker. I just want him out of my life right now. At least that's how I feel. I went to check this nice apartment today. I can see myself buying and ...

Past 2 months had been EXTREMELY tough. I learned. At least my job situation is getting better now. Relationship is still a disaster. Have to get along well with the team. That's the key. I am giving credit myself for sticking through it all. I have to break up with Steve. Need to develop courage to let go of that toxic relationship. It doesn't serve each other anymore. He doesn't value what I offer him neither do I have the patience to take hte abuse. I never knew I am being abused until the therapist pointed it out. She said he is manipulating me, controlling me and abusing me. And I will wait forever to have kids with him. I have to leave. It's painful. But I have to. She said to have hard conversation. Where are we heading. What are we doing. I have to wait until he is back. I have never asked those questions from him for the fear of losing him. But it's also letting me get abused. I never realized I am being abused. I told the thrapist about the conversation ...

What a rough weekend it was. Sanna got mad and unfriended me. Emily is not talking anymore. Steve is mad too. My uncle is no longer talking either. Relationships for this year are not for me. Deep in my heart I feel it's best to let Steve go. It's very painful. We built everything together. He is a very demanding person and I am rethinking everything. If I do half of the things I do for him for anotehr man, he would have married me and had kids and paid the rent. There are surgeons and physicians coming after me right now. I don't want to blow it up either. Why do I downplay myself? I don't have feelings for those men and for steve, it was this deep connection and trust. I trusted him from day 1. He is noble. But then again, it drains me so much to meet his needs. It's not like he is making it any easier. I have to do a full time job, do exams, save money for kids etc. and then do a lot for him be the perfect housewife. I can't. It's draining me. I also los...

I have started manifesting a baby. I am desperate to have my own babygirl and babyboy. I prefer more a babygirl at this time so I am thinking of having a babygirl first and then a babyboy. This year if I can have a babygirl next year I can have a babyboy. Get a servant from sri lanka and manage it all. I need a baby. I am not in a state to keep fighting over trivial things ina relationship. Steve also needs a lot of attention.

I am trying to gather my thoughts together today morning. i think I have to live one more year in forest hills no matter how hard it is because it really did help me save a bunch. I can use that money as a downpayment for an apartmetn in Manhattan. on a positive note, my relationship with Steve is getting better. It was very difficult to leave him becasue of all the things he had done for me. It' s not easy to ooooooooleave him without guilt. I have made it this far in life thanks to his help. I also need to pay off my uncle's debt. Today I made a CISSP staudy plan so that's good. Going to meditate in a bit. withdraw cash to do laundry and then head for brunch, my prioritieas today are work and cissp. I like to do yoga at central park but the feeling that i have to prioritize my office work is making me feel guilty. I am very grateful to new york. I am also mad at my brother for alwasy begging me for things and money., I did a big misktake by lettign him depend on me at a...

This month has been rough. Breakups. I have an industry speech today. Speaking to over 300 professionals today. AutoISAC. I have pushed myself so I have to be a soldier now and push through.

I have the therapist appointment tomorrow. Totally looking forward to it. Dreamt of Steve leaving. It's so hard. It will be ok