3-18

Yesterday was rough. Steve had gone visit his babies. Yesterday was also the last day at work for me. My emotions were very high. I had nobody to speak to. And I also felt very lost about life because I was thinking if he keeps traveling to see his kids while I am all alone just working all my life how horrible my life would be. That feeling threw me into a dark place.I badly wanted to spend time with Steve yesterday and he wasn't here. I started getting mad and frustrated aboout the situation itself. Was thinking why am I even dating this man who can't give me a future? It all seemed to me like I was trapped. And felt like I don't even want to do this anymore. What am I even getting? 80% of his life goes to a woman who almosat destroyed him and who is still in love with him. What the hell! This is karma for sure. I am supposed to go through this whatever the reason it is. And I am suppose to develop the emotional wit to lessen my suffering and pain. I can very easily marry a man who can commit but my fear is, what if we run out of feelings and if it becomes an empty bond with no emotions? There are only two men who meant a lot to me, Steve and Gihan. All others were either tricking me or using me. I have felt quite a mutual bond with these two men even though I was immature to lose Gihan at that time regardless of his undying commitment to our relationship. He was a place I felt safe, vulnerable, home and at peace. He gave it all to me yet I cared more about the superficial image, social class rather than the genuine love he was giving me. I am grateful that we are still in touch. One thing I keep reminding myself is that there are things I can control and things I am not able to control. His kids, his ex, his financial and emotioanl obligations are out of my scope even though it all throw me into a very dark place where I have to deal with it all alone. However, in life, nothing is guaranteed. You can get married tomorrow and the partner leaves the next day. You can live together and the partner will be there for you emotionally etc But still, nothing is certain. The only certain thing is what I am doing and how I can change my life and situation. I have decided to have a baby girl through a sperm donation so once things settle in a bit, in this year I am going to work on that. Yesterday I spent so much money on psychics/fortunica becausae I was desperate to talk myself out. This is something I still need help with. I should bring this up with the therapist next day. I don't want to expose my vulnerability to a bunch of strangers on the internet, nor I do want to talk about my life or situation. It's not secure and also puts me in a very challenging position. Specially if they know these individuals. I spend over $50 yesterday just to have conversation. I wish there are on-demand therapists. Alonna also creates a lot of anxiety in me because I know how much control and power she has over Steve. And there's no option for Steve other than just submit himself to her. Knowing that, it scares me how much emotions and ties can make you vulnerable. And there's no denial that Steve was sad too when she was getting married. He was listening to sad love songs the whole day and specially Adele's "someone like you". They love each other but they are not meant to be together. Him and I, it's some sort of destiny thing. Rationally I don't ever want to do this relationship but I am doing it because I have felt the voidness and abuse in many relationships that I am scared to go through it again. After losing Gihan I regretted so much because I prioritized material aspects over a unique bond. I learned never to repeat that mistake again. So whatever comes our way, I am much happier and safer sticking by Steve. And overall, in 2019 when I had nothing, he gave it all to me. And in 2022, if I have to pay rent that's fine. I hate being a strong woman in a relationship. I want the man to be the provider but right now he can't do it due to his debt etc. So i will help him through. Also moving to NYC was my idea anyway. I just wish though that I only need to get a studio and not pay for 2 rooms which is so expensive. Whatever it is, it's all temporary. I will get through this. I have to build the self discipline to channel my emotions into a blog rather than talking to strangers by paying that's going to cost my privacy.