2022

I have to learn not to get startled when I make a mistake. I just need to be calm, relax, learn and move on. That's what's important. Mistakes happen. It doesn't make me a bad person. Confront actions, not the person. I have to be more careful next time

2023 is going to be rough. CISSP, My frist ever court hearing, breach research, new job, relationship challenges, family planning. I have to pay very strong attention to myself, and taking care of myself to cope up. I realized on doing what I was doing at the age of 15. Bring clarity into life and not just do things out of habit or to be liked etc. Really analyze and do things. Also to maintain distance with friends while being close. Boundaries and being assertive. I want to keep thinking analytically and birng clarity into many areas of my life. THat helps me become more dicisive

I am already fearing 2023. My first ever court hearing, a new job, CISSP and the huge risk that comes with the court hearing. I am thinking, okay you can always appeal.Just need to get hte low hanging fruits off the plate first. THat's CISSP

It's one of those days I feel like shit. Taking care of someone else's children, coming home to a man who I can no longer plan a life with, getting into the same routine, going through the same immigration struggle. I feel lost.Frustrated and depressed. Sometimes I wanna pack my bag and go back to Sri Lanka. Then agian a part of me is like, I made so much investment here and moving back is a waste. Sometimes I wanna marry a healthy man in America and just move on. Sometimes I wanna have a sperm baby thorugh a sperm donation. I don't know. I am very depressed. Another empty christmas when we should spend like a real family.

I got my first backgorund role in Jennifer Lawrence's no hard feelings. Funny. First audition and got a role. Today I am going for the theatrical photo shoot. This is a reminder to do something that scares you and is new everyday.

life is about pushing through the tough times, enjoying the good times. Yesterday again Steve said he doesn't want to have kids. We just started planning for kids. He meant it. He has only told me he would because he didn't want to see me depressed. I have to take one day at a time. I feel being fooled by astrologers . One of them had been playing mind games constantly.

Reliving haunting experiences is not good. It's like I am going back to the rut to solve the puzzle. It's not going to be solved. One of the experiences a first time home buyer shared on Facebook awakened my memory about the haunting exprience I experienced in Moutn Lavinia. It was intense. and very much relatable. It helps knowing these were all haunting demonic shit and nothing to do with my mind or sanity level. Because I too had a voice in my ear continuously saying "Die die die". It leads to suicide attempts. Inexplicable and it was like I had no control over my body. The whole thing about my brother's work shift changing from morning to night. And rthen my boss leaving and getting a shitty person who badly wanted to be my manager and torment me. It was insane.And then partying and how this guy's tires were pierced in the strangest way. List goes on. There was a dark entity in that house. THere was. Bad dreams. Sleep deprivation. Severe depression. It was...

Excited to release my product

I am still waiting for my lawyer to get back on the AvePoint thing. She is slow and annoying. They have also hired the best attorneys. I just got well and I need to be a little easy on myself. It's been a 10 month of continued struggled and I have realized the need to have options when it comes to jobs and not to settle for the first job. Looking back, I miss Cirtec. It was slow, calm, peaceful, great environment, stable and was nice. Capital One was like whatever. THere was no career progression. THERE was racism but I was there just for the money and it helped. I have undervalued myself so much becasue I have been scared to make the jump. I could have easily ended up at Yale, could have easily oworked for Big4. Looking back. I feel regretful. Because I was scared to make the jump Biggest mistake I did was listneing to my unccle who often underestimated me. I don't blame him. I was never his type, that organized stragiht A kid. No. I am different. Of course there is a lot to l...

I am feeling a lot better today.

TODAY IS A ROUGH DAY. Stocks are down. I see my case records with AvePoint public. Justworks is withdrawing my H1b. I am sick af. Not getting any calls from the jobs I have applied to. Trying to get my article removed from Colombo telegraph but no response. Have to resolve these one by one. 1. Removing public records - I have to wait until my lawyer gets back. State the requirements very clearly. Undderstand the current status. and decide if I would want to dismiss and hide the records. Better earlier than later. 2. Jobs- I just got a call today. There are people who sue employers and still find jobs. Shouldn't be hard. 3. Sick - Shouldn't skip any meds. Need to get cured soon. On a positive note, I feel better than on Monday 4. Follow up with these companies- Colombo telegraph, pacerecord, unicourt etc. 5. H1b Burns - I have to wait. Rushing them won't do any good. Never act out out anxiety. This si a lesson I learned from Justworks. Also if things are not working out wit...