2022

For years, I acted like a mother to my big brother. That did a lot of damage to him unknowingly. He became extremely codependent, and weak. He does not know what he is capable of. I remember how hard it was working with him as a sibling. He always would resort to do nothing than to get out there to get things done. He has a lot of drive to not do anything. He liked to choose the easy way over the profitable way. It was all about convenience for him. I was getting drained al ot. I had to rely on my friends who later became enemies along the way, jealousy, competition took them over sadly. Yet a part of me is very grateful that I had great friends growing up. The "good girl" types were never the type that helped me. It was always the messed up, shitty, slutty or the useless ones who felt my pain. So I became part of the bad girl club. They could relate to me better and would help me the most. The "good girls" were too judgemental and selfish. I really miss my friends...

I am thankful about the lifestyle I have reached, living in an affluent area in Manhattan, earning a very good salary with a very good job. At the same time, I need a break. I am also very drained. Letting aiya be on his own is good. He will eventually learn and grow.

My brother will only grow if he is on his own. Him knowing I am always his back up wont' help him. It's time to let go. He needs to he develop and have a girlfriend. Yet he tries hard to stay connected when I try to let go. It's not healthy. I have to let him go so that he will grow. That's how I grew. I hated it. But it helps me immsensely. He is a man. He needs to be stronger and letting him be alone will help him develop himself.

I strive to gain peace in my life more. It's beautiful to acheive harmony in all aspects in life.

I had a bad dream. It's like I was stuck in a war zone and was running for my life. I think it happened becasue last night I was preoccupied with helping Ukraine and Sri Lanka. Watched a video of men being executed in Ukraine that set a very disturbing mood before sleeping. Perhaps I shouldn't have watched it before bed because there's nothing much that I could do. I booked an Airbnb in Uktained and bought Uber eats in Colombo to help someone. Also I feel financially abused when Inoka akki's son asked money to buy cricket gloves. There are so many out there who don't even have money to eat and why would I pay $57 for someone to buy cricket gloves? It was hard for me to say no even though i DIDN'T want ot use my hard earned money on something so unimportant. I realized next time I can say that I will send later and ignore. Also another thing I realized was not to talk about donating money to people and my charity work. It makes people think I have so much money t...

I am terribly sick. Allergies have really got into me and I couldn't work for 2 days. Also had a challenge at work. Got backlash for not approving a vendor that had high risk. It came from Legal. I believe I did the right thing. And don't feel bad about it. Should have conducted the language better. Overall, it's the right thing to do.

I am starting to face certain challenges at work- the common challenges. Team dynamics, authority, trying to abuse power etc. Staying true to my reviews helps. Professional integrity is more important than pleasing people. I am happy that when I am being true, I can take a stand. It's unlike people who compromise their professional integrity for power. I choose being true. At least I could find an attorney to defend me. Life has its challenges. I need to accept that. What matters is having the courage to face them, learn and change.

Week has been hectic overall but things are getting better. The stressful situation with my brother is subsiding, he is becoming independent and starting to take control over his life. No matter how painful things were, I had to take all the aid away to make him realize he is on his own. If I never felt that way at the age of 17, I would never have progress in life. Sometimes behind the glass, I wonder what kind of person I really am, despite what people say or think about me. I am also starting to question my thoughts, my actions that will help me realize who I am. For sure, I have been through SO MUCH trauma than an average person in Sri Lanka. I am new to the US so can't really say if I have faced more than an average American woman had. I am starting to realize that the American women have it worse, being so independent, not having much family growing up, parents split or they don't even know who their parents are. In that context, I am blessed. However, the struggle I had ...

i am happy at where I am i nlife right now. Have to stay calm and learn more how to take a step back

Being there for my brother out of sympathy is only going to harm him. It creates codependency and detrimental in his growth. He won't miss having a girlfriend if I am always there. I need to step away. For example when my uncle was there, I didn't really want a boyfriend but when he moved to PA, I started relying on Steve more. It helped us build a strong relationship at that time.