2022

I am exhausted. Disappointed that I am not able to get pregnant that easy. We tried unprotected sex 4 times. I am still not pregnant. I have been very hopeful in the past month thinking I will get pregnant. And then I have a work trips one after another.

Yesterday was a successful day. I met all the deadlines. I am sad to see Mike going away. I don't think he will stay for a long time. There are politics of course. Anyway it was good overall. I need to do some meditation today. Woke up earl. Slept early. Feel great. Booked the birthday dinner with Steve. Wrote him a poem. Checked the pickleball courts. Going to chat with Joe today. I need to get a transfer. I don't know. Juat doesn't feel right. Have a lot to do. I am thinking of employing aiya at my startup and getting his help in things. He can be an annoying person though.

I am glad about how far I have come in life. Was chatting with Nam the other day. 8 years ago I was in a very desperate place. Was hopeless actually. Was getting suicidal at very random moments. It was so intense and then light the other minute. Weird. That's why I called my aunt in the US and thankfully I was able to move here. It's been 8 years and I am in a much better place now. 25k in savings. Paid off all my debt. Have a good job even though it's not very stable ( I feel like I was bullshitted about the job at the interivew and was lied to - thi sis why I need to pay attention to detail) Steve and I are planning on getting married. Need to talk about it wit him today. Maybe we can travel to SL in November, stay a month there, get married and come back. That will also help me shift jobs. I hate being stuck in toxic jobs or getting caught to shitty jobs out of the goddamn immigration bullshit. Anyway it's been a lot of progress to be honest. It's been freaking 8...

Glad I am getting to work from home today. I asked Joe just to be on the safe side. There is a lot of inbuilt anxiety from workign in sri lanka, being bullied for decades. Unfortunatley that anxiety attracts the worst kind. I need to learn to be more secure in my life. I need to get back to work in a bit. Still trying to ground myself for work. I just hate work. Honestly, feel defeated. Also feel like there are lot of issues here and need to keep my mouth shut. Feel there is a lot of corruption for example. The top dogs unfairly bill over 40 hours while the bottom ones overwork and don't get paid overtime. The more you learn abut the corporare, the more it sucks. Have to save my ass at teh end of the day. I need to get going. No time to rest.

Last week I got burned out. Daily commute to work and then working at a stretch without a break. Wtf. I am more a creative person. I cant work like a machine. So this weekend I didn't do anything. it's a long weekend. I hated working. Honestly I just didn't want to do anything. Scared of getting burned out again. I ojust took time to relax. But trust me I have a hell of a lot to do. What we forget a lot of the times is that in family disputes, in divorces and child custody battles, family is fighting against each other and no one really wins. I am so ashamed that my parents could not come into an agreemtn but had to fight.Like for fucks sake live together. Neither of them couldn't. They tried taking breaks from each other I think ammi did a big mistake by trusting the outside parties than my father. No one gives a fuck on you apart from your own husband or the mother. Take my word. None of her goddamn siblings cared about her. THey still don't