2022

Hiring Sristi definitely threatens my job security because she can replace the same skill set I have. But on a positive note, I have more skills than her from a wider range. My boss definitely has a soft spot for her. I have tonnes of meetings tomorrow and tired. Either way, I can't delay hiring and play games because that's going to worsen up things. Yabing can make things worse so the best is to cooperate. That will at least buy me sometime. Suriving these two months after complaining to the HR has been tough. I think I have to switch companies or switch departments sooner than later. I don't see much support coming from the HR. I can get through this. I will slowly get close to Yabing and work on rebuilding the trust.

Much of life situation is about the attitude. I hate my boss but if I change my attitude to finding ways to cope up, not playing victim (because I am not 16 and parent-less anymore) it helps. I am not a victim. I am not. I am in control and capable of changing my life situation always. Lot of it is with the mindset. That's why I rescheduled hte meetings to take some time to work on the mindseet to cope up with a tough Monday. A demanding micromanaging boss can be a nightmare and at the same time, she is high performing. So it's fine. This si a learning phase.

It's important to focus on the 80:20 rule. I spend 80% of time on cooking, cleaning while allocatin gthat 80% on things that derive 80% of value would help more. CISSP, Businesses, side hustles etc. Much of life outcomes are to do with outlook and attitudes. It's time to be more flexible and humble

it's Saturday and Sunday morning and I am anxious about work.I also had a bad dream. It's related to supernatural because I was thinking about it yesterday. I use psychics because of my anxiety about hte future. Uncertainty and lack of organization, stability drive me insane. The truth is nothing is certain. Psyhics are a comfort becuase of their predictions. There are two psychics adn their predictions come true most of the time. The reason why I dont like to work with Yabing is for obvious reasons- Bias. You can swear she is not bias, but she is.

I love living in New York and can't think of a life outside of that. I am planning my entire life around New York. The hustle, bustle,, sophistication, opportunities and money are the best things about living in NYC. How can anyone not like this life in Manhattan? I would love if I can have my kids in NYC, get a nanny from Sri Lanka and live here. We can do homeschooling or online school. It's not like US schools are good enough anyway. Public schools are a mess and the culture is not healthy for a child. I am glad that finally Steve was open to the idea of having kids, but in his own terms. But that took a long time and efforts to get there. I love living in NYC and he says if he is to get married adn have kids, it would be in a different country. These two psychics told the other day that I will be moving abroad next year. That freaked me out to be honest. I love my life right now. After 7 years of crazyness, have reached a stage where I am financially stable and happy. Even ...

Yesterday I forced myself to go to a company event just to keep peace with my boss. I hope I get the senior manager position at the current workplace. On a positive note, Mario seemed like he knows yabing is horrible to work with. Anyway, they want work done. She does it. So there's that. I am also losing in my relationship. It's like he is not wht I want any longer. It's sad. He is a very nice guy but I just can't do it anymore. Feel like a sugar mama in the relationship and also feel like I am not growing in this relationship neither helping me with my changing needs such as wanting a family. I wish finding a sri lankan guy was easy. It's not. Hard to vibe.

I am trying to process feelings about my relationship. It has hit a point I am losing interest in it. It doesn't appeal to me anymore. I am 34, sick and alone in a room without anybody and suddenly it hit me that this could be my life when I am 80. My boyfriend never planned a future or a family with me. He has clearly conveyed recently (even though in 2018 he said someday he would want kids again) he neither wants to get married, nor he wants kids. I met this other girl just like me, 37 and dating all the great attorneys and physicians who want to committ to her. I feel what the hell am I even doing. This is NYC. People only care about your profession, looks and money. All the good guys out there care about it. It's not a trashy farm town. I feel I am just being stupid. Also it hit me that now that I have h1b, I can finally plan my life and future.

I get super mad with Josh. He is managing my direct report and Jian is starting to deprioritize thigns the way Josh did. But then again storytelling came stright from Yabing. So can't do anything about it. Main thing is to manage emotions. Things like this happens but have to take a step back and think more strategically about managing teh situation more diplomatically. Not let that affect me. In situations like this, I have to bring that up during 1-1. But then again in this situation, it was Yabing's direction so can't do anything about it. This is the thing about Yabing's management style. She puts direct reports, managers, consultants all into one basket and tries to manage. THen it all becomes a mess. Evidently. I am glad at least I have some hope on switchign to Divyesh's team even though I am not sure how things would go. I don't see a sustainable long term way Yabing's strategy can work. So best is to move to a different team. She is not good with pe...

I could hardly sleep last night.I haven't had peace indside me. Met with Emily and we talked a lot. I got very anxious about the future after talking with her. She spoke about her friend who turned 41, waited on a guy and now lost, alone etc. I liked hanging out with her because she is . Mind can do anything. Always remember that. Despite all what your family says, teachers say, bosses say, mentors say, fucking psychics say, MIND IS CAPABLE OF ANYTHING.

Psychics only read energies. While it helps to speak to someone empathetic when you are in distress, your life is your own to live. Meeting Emily today was nice, she is in a similar journey as me, of course not as classy as Kass but it was nice talking with her about her dating experiences and work life. She was very caring. She has a black girl vibe for some reason, maybe she grew up in Queens. I still liked her. I am scared of the fact of never having kids. The question I often ask myself is what can I control. I can control my own fertility, eggs, freezing eggs etc. I can't control a man and his choices. So I am pursuaded by what's needed than what's essential.

This year has been great. After 7 years of enormous IMMIGRATION struggle, I achieved some stability. I realized it's not so hard. Follow the gut. It feels great to be honest. I still have to do my CISSP this year and I can do it if I plan it out well. Allocate 4 hours each day to study for it. It will all be okay. The reason why I never could think of marriage or kids was becasue of F1 visa and being tied to a school. I often wondered what will happen to the kid if I have to go back to the country, how I can finance the kid etc. Now I am more stable to have a baby. I never dated Steve with the thought of getting married to him or having a family with. It all started so casual. It was the way he touched me and cared for me. As if I am so fragile, he will be so careful around me and I felt safe. I have not felt that around anyone after my first boyfriend. Finding a genuine connection is very very difficult. At the same time I want kids and Steve said no. In 2018, he said he is not re...

Today is going to be a critical day. I will be discussing about potential opportunities in other departments and my willingness to transfer. I hate to work with Yabing. I have decided, there is no way I am going to proceed with this psychopath. She is all about authority and less about getting work done and people psychology. I will not grow under her. I have realized it. Being taken the incidnet remediation away from me , it sucks. And also not gettin gcopied in meetings. I learned a lot from this job. IN a free time, I want to sit and replay all the scenarios in my head and think how I could have acted better. Definitely should have been more professional with Josh for sure.Shoudl not have listened to Roven when there was a complaint about me coming from somebody teling "not involving them". It was definitely JOsh. with time I realized that. On a positive note , this was a great experience. Just not being an emotional idiot. Learning the culture and learning to talk more l...

I have so many things to tell today. The 3 hour long call with my uncle made me realize my gaps in human relationships.I realized I need to change my attitudes if I am to succeed in life, not just financially but emotionally and socially.

I hate to go through this. But right now the target is to remain here until I find another job. So the only resort is my boss. Shristi turning down the offer almost is kind of good news in a way because that gives me more leverage. And obviously she is going to choose Oracle. The best course of action right now is to make amends wiht my boss. The question is how. It's to do the work, support her at public events. Things went out of hands. Fucking Althea was shit. Told lies regarding the process and the confidentiality. It will be okay.

I want to get out of this place. This is not helping me. It all got so ugly and speaking to HR didn't help. Honestly, I should have jus kept quiet and tried to solve it myself. Or find a job elsewhere. Don't ever speak up. Don't ever. Nothing good comes out of it. I don't know what to do next. Best is to wait for HR while doing my best and maintaining a good relationship with my boss.

Trust your gut. Facts are Yabing got through. Of course she has the power and all that. Fact is I overshared. A part of me says just give time. Truth will come out. I feel weak at this time. I am also very drained. I need to somehow switch teams. I feel useless. It's even awkward speaking to Anuj knowing he spoke against me during the investigation. you see, the whole investigation thing was a bad move. I have no energy to fight. But I need to keep going. The more I go public, the more I am subject to attack. So it's safer to stay low key and do the work.

I am writing blog entries because it helps. Every morning and night I have to write so that I get less intense and can cope up with emotional situations better. I hate to go to work as usual. I hate Yabing. Hate how she abuses her power and doesn't involve the team in learning. She only cares about herself and it's horrible when you have a leader like that. Obviously she is backed by Legal so she has the power and it's always good to stay low key. I want to stay low-key until I switch teams so that I won't subject to attack by my boss. And happy to move Josh to the other team. He is envious. I took his position so always good to move him. In this work environment, I have to stay secure and calm and low key to survive. Until Yabing screws up. Then yes, I can come back up and talk. At some point she will screw up. For me now the priorities are green card, financials, building a family finally and just living a normal life. Finally have achieved some stability in life. I d...

It was difficult hearing about Jayaweera's suicide.Taunting. I have spoken to him so many times and I still remember his quiet voice. He is very reserved. Only answers the question and that's it. I am very sad I couldn't help him and that's such a bad feeling I get. Inoka akki made it. Honestly it's Jayaweera who needed the money and little did I know. Anyway I feel I have to write this and finish because it keeps coming back into my mind how he killed himself and it's not easy. I am very sad. He was this very reserved person. Very quiet. My last memory with him was when I was traveling with him to Polonnaruwa in the bus, 4 hour long ride, bus was full. When I got a seat, I offered my seat to him instead of sitting because I saw his fatigue. He was a very silent person. He will never speak up or ask for anything unless offered. And thats the tough part isn't it. Because you never know what they are going through. I ma on period today as well so it';s b...

Life is hard. You can have it all, at least that's how it feels like at times.Today is not the best day to think about certain difficult topics. I am on period. Highly emotional. I need to take a deep breath and hold back

Just got through another week. It was a bit better since Yabing was on PTO. Yet she is hardly on PTO and always online. Literally have to switch teams. I have some hope because Annie is recruiting for an internal role. I can switch there.

I am starting to feel a bit better. I hope I get the Group product manager role. Even if I don't, I have to start applying for other jobs and try to get through. I am getting mad at Josh for playing games but I guess he is having job insecurity so can't really blame him.

My job satisfaction is going down drastically. Partly becasue I hate the boss I have to work with. Heartless, emotionless, pro chinese and horrible Setting me up for failture I need to switch somehow. Need to start with the job application process asap

Don't get too comfortable with a boss who doesn't want you in the workplace merely becasue you are tiny or young. So I have to create less dependency. Too much visibility is not good. It can prompt Yabing to talk negative regarding me just out of job security. She is protected by Mario. So have to play safe.

Evening was intense. Having Yabing, Karel, Beth, Roven in one room. I just stYED IN the corner, silent in peace I don't want to show my vulnerability. It's not going to work for a manager. I have gotta things in control, at least in front of others. That's leadership. Standing up strong.

I have to understand the game and play carefully. Right now Yabing is in a victorious mode. She can do anything and she has only become more powerful. Offending her , challenging or speaking up agaisnt her can totally go against me. So the best is to stay silent but detached and also lessen the exposure to any adversity caused by her. I think I should go to public events with her so that people can see and she cant be a mean person. Not going also builds a strong defense. It shows something is wrong with her. Whatever it is, I have to think very carefully and act. Investigation taught me a lot of things. It's about how people perceive you in that very 20 minutes and not so much about what happened. Because these are all subjective human evaluations. Not quantifiable. You sit at a desk and talk about all the injustice you have faced. You can talk calmy or aggressively with sadness. The investigator (so called independent- what a joke!) listens to the calm one, even if they have comm...

Almost overcame a difficult day. Having gone through all this, I hate working with Yabing. She is going to try and make every opportunity to screw me over and of course it gives anxiety. She is protected by her bosses. Mario is the corrupt dog. I am 100% certain about it. Right now, I have asked myself, what do I want right now, what are my priorities and is my current job serving me. The least I want is a boss who determines performance based on the physical size. Don't try to screw me over. I still have a case and still have recordings. This is what I have learned from AvePoint. To keep written and recordings of every activity so that when something comes up, I can sue. It's great to see how AvePoint's lies are caught red handed when I have everything in recording. The chief risk officer trying to hide the loopholes from auditors etc. It's important to play by the brain and not by emotions. Anuj is welcoming of Yabing and he likes Yabing. It's clear from his inten...

I am capable. I can get through this

It was a good day. We went out to Central park and came across a beautiful parade. Watched that. Then went with a hammock to Central park and spent all day there. It was nice. I can't imagine that last year I dreamt of just spending a day at Central Park and this year I am literally living 10 mins from Central Park. I am dreading about work tomorrow already. Thinking what could go wrong and what could go right. Literally working with Yabing has already been a nightmare. I don't see a future. I would rather switch. Her lack of people centric approach and the chaotic ways don't show much future. also she has not much knowledge in SOC operational stuff. It's all going to be a disaster and I think it's wise for me to move to engineering, get some exposure into AWS where they most the most knowledge in. I feel very anxious about tomorrow. Partly due to the uncertainty. I have made a decision. If they screw me over, I will screw them back. I spoke up for the truth, I fi...

Most effective changes happen when I face the truth, the raw self in me and really understand where I went wrong, my flaws and thoughts in a brutally honest manner. If I keep masking and keep facing "What I like to be" opposed to "who I really am", the more it gets me away from the truth not leading to an effective desired outcome. So I have made a decision to really question me and my past actions throughout the time at JW. The truth is, I can't afford to lose my job at JW because of immigration and the high rent. Here it provides me a smooth stable environment for me to learn and grow while building stability in my life. I waited 7 long years to achieve stability in the USA. Seeing my own towel rack/cllothing rack in my room gets me to realize that I haven't had my clothing rack since 16!!! That's a very very long time.I have been living in hostels, boarding houses, out of suitcases, bags that I never had a stable place to call home. Literally never ha...

My anxiety level is again going up. It's the uncertainty and fear that worry me. I spoke up becasue being silent only got me fired in previous situations. At least I spoke up. I should be happy. I have gathered evidence and instances. So I still have a case. This is why it's important to speak even to lose. Because anyway you can lose due to their illegal doings. So why not speak up and lose anyway? That's at least a lot better.

life is challenging and that means it brings growth. I am going to go with it.