Healing codependent sibling relationships

For years, I acted like a mother to my big brother. That did a lot of damage to him unknowingly. He became extremely codependent, and weak. He does not know what he is capable of. I remember how hard it was working with him as a sibling. He always would resort to do nothing than to get out there to get things done. He has a lot of drive to not do anything. He liked to choose the easy way over the profitable way. It was all about convenience for him. I was getting drained al ot. I had to rely on my friends who later became enemies along the way, jealousy, competition took them over sadly. Yet a part of me is very grateful that I had great friends growing up. The "good girl" types were never the type that helped me. It was always the messed up, shitty, slutty or the useless ones who felt my pain. So I became part of the bad girl club. They could relate to me better and would help me the most. The "good girls" were too judgemental and selfish. I really miss my friends, actually who they were that time because the relationship dynamic changed sadly. I want to heal all my relationships. Relationship with Nanda, my aunt, my friends, some of my teachers, my co-workers.But that doesn't mean I want to let them destroy me again if they have done that in the past. You see, life is messy. Hasanthi was that friend, I felt a deep connection with and I am sure many of my friends did. She had that deep empathy towards people and that was both her strength and weapon. Thilanki was very empathetic as long as she doesn't feel threatned because her mother unfortunately taught her to be the best or the first in class. Then there was Iroshima. Still a nice person but backtalks, disrespectful and ungrateful. Idk, things got messy with her as well. Not that she is a bad person. She will be there for you, you can just open up a bottle an ddrink all night just having a good time. At least that is how it was. However she was never the type who will try to solve your problems. She just lets you hangout and have a good time and it was always so fun with her! Part of me missed these friends. then Banda, such random person, we would talk or rather I would talk all night and spend time with her whenever I used to feel scared staying alone in a haunted house. I wonder if there was ever a two-way sharing in these friendships. Not much with Banda. Hasanthi and I had a very deep connection, at least that's how I felt. And it's sad that things changed between us. Then I loved Shaira too. She was deeply empathetic and supportive. Unfortunately, I just realize she wanted me only for professional growth purpose. She and I didn't really click in a deep level like Hasanthi and I did. It's hard to heal if healing means revisiting old self, going over the memories, reliving them. It's' hard to admit I was naive and stupid. But that's also part of growing up isn't it? Maybe Buddhism is right, you are only supposed to live in the present, not think about hte past or the future but to only focus on the present. Living in the past brings pain. Thinking about the future brings anxiety. I have walked past the deathly times. I have overcome it all. Just had a very strong survival instinct and my parents' spirits protecting me. Now I just have to let go, live in the present. Also letting my brother be on his own helps me because I don't get stressed, I am also breaking hte sibling pattern wheere he would annoy me and enjoy it. Also never take responsibility. Letting him feel thta I don't give a shit on him and don't care for him or won't help him, actually lets him grow. Whether I like it or not, it has to happen. He has to become a man. I regret that I didn't do it for over a decade. It's not fair that I am doing it now but still it has to happen. Roshi's saying "Let bygones be by-gones" is a very good one. It helps recreate, heal and come out stronger. I don't want to be that Naliya, desperarte, helpless, low in emotional intelligence, easily manipulated and irresponsible for the sake of denying the reality of forced adulthood. I am done with it. Getting back with old friends means they still see me in that way. So I would like to create new friendships. I want to grow and recreate myself the way I choose to be.