Progress

Week has been hectic overall but things are getting better. The stressful situation with my brother is subsiding, he is becoming independent and starting to take control over his life. No matter how painful things were, I had to take all the aid away to make him realize he is on his own. If I never felt that way at the age of 17, I would never have progress in life. Sometimes behind the glass, I wonder what kind of person I really am, despite what people say or think about me. I am also starting to question my thoughts, my actions that will help me realize who I am. For sure, I have been through SO MUCH trauma than an average person in Sri Lanka. I am new to the US so can't really say if I have faced more than an average American woman had. I am starting to realize that the American women have it worse, being so independent, not having much family growing up, parents split or they don't even know who their parents are. In that context, I am blessed. However, the struggle I had to face in Sri Lanka after the death of my parents would have been a LOT MORE easier if I was living in the US at the time. I always knew it. I didn't want to feel sympathized, nor did I want to feel outcast just ebcause I lost my parents at a young age. In the US. it's normal. Girls walk alone all the time. Girls get into jobs at a young age and they strt living life. For me, it was SO DAMN HARD. I don't know from where I can even start. It took me 15 years almost to get my own little home, buy my own furtniture and to feel I have a home. It's insane. Not having parents in Sri Lanka dictated my destiny to a large extent. It affected my relationships, my career, my well being, and everything. It was a secret only in the campus community so it was a happy place for me. Everythign else was bad. I want to remove that part of my identity because I am no longer an object of sympathy. I want to remove anyone from my life that treats me in that way. I have also been super private about my life since 2018 which has had a healthy impact on my life. I realized the need for limited social media presence and to make my voice heard more through other channels, only if necessary. For the first time in my life, I initiated legal action against my boss who harassed me, exercised glass ceiling on me. I felt powerful and empowered I felt I do matter. I am grateful to America enormously for giving my life back. It took me 6 years to get this far. I worked weekends. Mostly would spend hours in the libray stuck in the same chapter in the library even in weekends. It was a very lonely life. But it helped address the basics and build a sustainable foundation than many others. At least for me, it's a lot because I knew very little about IT. But I need to do the CISSP and do a lot more to ensure whatever I have now is sustainable. I am getting bored typing a lot though. So New York is fast also feel inimidated by New York a bit at the moment. I just realize no matter what, I just need to get myself out there. I am not sure how to socialize or where I can do that. Everyone seems to have someone they accompany with. I am just alone and it feels a bit weird. Need to start being more open.