Destiny, loneliness

I am very sad I don't have kids. It's like regardless of what you have in life , it's useless not to have life. I woudl rather pick a life with kids than a life full of luxury. I remember walking with my mother from a tuition class once and she was telling me showing a big house, how it's useless to have a huge house when the kids are deformed. Kids are a large part of our culture. Being in this relationship with Steve had been daunting at times because all his perceptions are a product of his previous relationship with Alonna which was very destructive of his life. I know, whatever it is, it's my life. It's all my decisions and my life. I can't blame anybody. In a way I was missing Nilkamal because we used to look at baby pictures together and it was very nice. Gihan is childless too. I feel I have been attracking non committal men into my life. Gihan was the only guy who planned an entire life with me yet I took it all for granted becasue I, by nature is scared of committment. It's not really the committment I am scared of. It's the fact that, anything could happen in life and I will go through the entire phase my mother went through. She felt locked in a marriage, not being able to get out of it. She was physically assaulted at least once a week to the point of fainting on the ground in a pool of pee. That traumatized me a lot. I hated marriage until very recently beccause the society makes you think, marriage gives you social status. I also have this personality in which I always seek conflict becasue I always want to improve, question, progress.It doesn't work well when such progress is dependent on others. They walk in their own pace, at their own will. I am terrified I will be alone.Wanting to have kids is not a crime. Steve always looks at it as a disqualification. It's normal. Honestly at this point, if wants to walk away, I am fine. I don't care.I can't deny my feelings because it's unhealthy.