Update

This year has been great. After 7 years of enormous IMMIGRATION struggle, I achieved some stability. I realized it's not so hard. Follow the gut. It feels great to be honest. I still have to do my CISSP this year and I can do it if I plan it out well. Allocate 4 hours each day to study for it. It will all be okay. The reason why I never could think of marriage or kids was becasue of F1 visa and being tied to a school. I often wondered what will happen to the kid if I have to go back to the country, how I can finance the kid etc. Now I am more stable to have a baby. I never dated Steve with the thought of getting married to him or having a family with. It all started so casual. It was the way he touched me and cared for me. As if I am so fragile, he will be so careful around me and I felt safe. I have not felt that around anyone after my first boyfriend. Finding a genuine connection is very very difficult. At the same time I want kids and Steve said no. In 2018, he said he is not ready because of the Alonna drama but someday he might need. In 2022, after the storm, and all the trauma, custody battles, he is a no. i AM PLANNING things on my own right now. I went for a fertility test and waiting for results. Next is to freeze the eggs. After things get stable at work etc. I am going to have a conversaton with Steve again. If he still doesn't want, I am goign to end things. I will NOT trick him, LIE or GET PREGNANT BY FORCE eetc. NEVER. That will add more trauma and it's immoral plus not fair to the kid. Whoever I am going to have kids with, should be ready to be a father to the child. Not someone who resents or does it out of obligation or out of love but just being a weekend dad. NO!!!! I visualize a healthy, normal Sri Lankan family. It's beautiful. In our culture, we stay with the partner for life and raise our kids together. THe kids get to see the grandparents, parents and they get all the love and attention. It's also a stable environment for the kid. I want my kids to be happy. I will not have kids with Steve or someone like that who doesn't believe in this or has never seen a family life like this. I so wish I can find a Sri Lankan guy because they know our culture and it's nice to raise kids with a Sri Lankan guy. Sri Lankan guys are also very demanding There are many Sri Lankan guys in the US though.Or even Indian guys are nice. Dude this is when I miss my culture you see. Steve is a wreck, super damaged and severely traumatized. He believes in teh worst in every situation. Why would I ever want to raise a child with someone like that? Hell no. But you see, when we dated we never thought of building a life together. It was just living for the moment. And as I start becming stable, I keep wanting the normal things in life- kids, lovely Sri Lankan family where kids get all the love and attention and grow up in a stable home. The thing about Steve's kids are, I absolutely feel NONE towards them. They are nothing like Sri Lankan. Just unruly, loud and growing up like their mother. I don't feel connected to them. Unfortunate. I jsut don't. I can be a nanny but it drains me so much because I don't get anything in return and spending hours and hours on 2 kids. It's really draining. You see if I was a mother, I could have related to these kids. But when you have never been a mother, you can't understand a child. I would have liked to marry Chandu. He values the Sri Lankan culture and he is very Sri Lankan. I liked him as well. He liked me too. But then because of my past trauma with Sri Lankan guys, I stepped away from him. He started getting my help in his assignments and it rang a bell on how Sri Lankan men used me. Probably Gihan's parents did black magic. Who knows. I apologized to Gihan. He is a great guy.