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I have had so much low energy today. Demotivated. I thought Yabing would leave. But she didn't. They have hired a senior analyst. I feel like a failure for not being able to stay and still having problems in the corproate. Main thing is emotional control. I need to shut down Teams when I am in a high emotional state. Yesterday in my dream, I saw myself being killed. It was like I was chased down so hard by a man and was cornered into a room. There was another girl with me as well. She got shot. It's important for me to get up at 4 in a consistent manner and start meditating again. With all the bullshit goign on, Steve getting mad etc. my routine got so disrupted. I have to come to reliz that the truth is a I am a BIG persoanlity. No two big personalities can exist together unless one compromises, or both rationalize and focus on the output , optimum option rather than fighting. I am bold, stronger than think I am and will take a risk. More entrepreneurial. I sometimes want to leave Steve and start over. He doesn't aling with my goals of being successful and having a happy family life. This is when I miss marrying a sri lankan man and having a normal life. It's so hard though. I have hardly any chemistry with a sri lankan man owing to my childhood circumstances growing up. After being with a white man, it feels gross to marry a black man or date one because now the whole racism has got embedded into me to think they are inferior. It's not a healthy way of thinking. The system is very racist as well because all media channels always show black people as criminals. I am terrified to deal with black people for this reason. Media holds 100% accountability for racial crimes and racial stretorying. It' done in a very subtle manner that no one notices. They hardly highlight the virtues of black people. They do the same thing for immigrants and the Chinese. White as a race is the most materialistic race ever! Their decisions are ONLY based on money and status. Steve makes such a big deal about me wanting to live in Manhattan but his race is the one that's most materialistic. Next week is going to be fatal. CISSP and a court hearing. Tehn the week after that will be the prep for the EV ppt. Best case scenario, I get through CISSP and it definitely adds up. If I fail, I take the exam again. OF COURSE there is a wait period. Objective is to pass CISSP this year somehow. It's not a difficult exam but with all the bullshit going on and with Steve being a mean person close to the exam really stresses me out. Honestly, I don't even care about him leaving me and finding a Polish girl. I don't care. Court hearing, best case is I get hearing and compensation of over $100,000. Worst case scenario, case dismissal. If the worst happens, I have to work on expunging the record. Or appealing. April is hectic. I mean there had been harder things in life . I overcame the most traumatic eperince in my life at the age of 17 and still got through the exam and made it to the univesity. So yes I can do this.

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