Update

I am hitting a point in my life where I am starting to understand Steve is not what I really want. He doesn't want kids and won't marry to make sure I don't have to go through all the immigration struggles and then complains when I work hard. The past week was very difficult. Allergy was killing me. Then Steve asked me to leave to my friend's house and I had to leave, couldn't come back even when I wanted to come back. Interestingly, I pay the rent and can't stay in my own house. On the other hand, he is also goign through a lot of stress and he probably got very overwhelmed. My exam is in 8 days. I am so nervous. Every job I applied for didn't work. I am stuck in my current job. It's still nice. It's a solid team that's been there for like forever. Everyone gets along with everyone. I am also starting to experience low self esteem and feelings of lack of self worth owing to things that don't work, friends like Emily who are distancing and criticizing some of my behaviors, and Steve who constantly criticizes me. I want peace so I tent to keep silent even when I am not 100% wrong. One thing I need to REALLY WORK HARD on is being assertive. March has been overwhelming. I will be travelign to MN next week for the court hearing. It's a fight that's worthwhile. Fightign for the truth is fine. Sometimes I want to leave eeryone including Steve and Emily and then build a whole new girl gang. Need to be very assertive which means less emotions and more logic. There is no space to be vulnerable. Sunday morning yoga class is very nice. Lot of breathing and relaxation. I feel it's the allergy that's causing a lot of distress. I feel lack of energy , depressed and tired. When things go wrong, its easy to focus on the negativity. What's goign right in my life is that I made it to the morning yoga class. I am close to 50% in my luke ahmed book. Completed 4 chapters in the official CISSP book. I will try again even if it's to fail. I have lunch with a new friend. Have to let Emily go.