Day 1

A part of me wants the DNA test of the kids to fail. It's simply because it has added many complications to our life. And the relationship is very difficult. It's selfish that I feel that way. They are still kids, could be Steve's, could be someone else's. I think the most selfless act is to still take care of them and help them. They know nothing and are still innocent kids. Why do they have to pay for someone else's sins? I have to train my mind to understand everyone's life and think empathetically, be selfless. It's hard. Specially knowing what a horrible woman Alonna is and still hurting Steve. She probably grew up hating her own dad who left her when she was a kid, taking his own life. I think that probably made her hate men. or at least masculine men. She has had a hard life and still has a tough life. I need to learn to admire how she is making it thorugh and support her. I don't like her obviously but that doesn't give anyone peace. Have to find peace in life. Same with my aunt. I hate her. I couldn't do medicine because of her evil malicious act. She was very envious. I have to learn to forgive them. They are evil because the life has been unfair on them. And they start blaming others. without trying to change the circumstances. That's their personality. I have to develop empathy towards people I hate. That's the real power. I also feel guilty that I didn't care about my uncle who was there throughout all my struggles. I have attachment issues. I lost the ones I value the most in my life when I was a child. Why would I give a fuck? And my brother betrayed my trust, didn't think about me, didn't try to protect me. I lost faith. I changed and had no trust in anyone but me. That trauma keeps fucking me throughout.I need to be empathetic. Be compassionate. Give it a chance and I know I will get hurt. I have to express it. Learn to express my thoughts. I felt my uncle was selfish as well because he wanted me to live in St. Cloud. He discouraged my dreams. I lived in that cursed town for 7 years. It was like a safe haven, a comfort zone. But I hated it. That's not my personality. I love the vibrant city. I am also adventurous. This is one of the reasons why it's so hard for me to settle down in a way. I feel there is so much life ahead of me. There is so much to do. Having kids ties me down. Having a family ties me down. I am made to fly always. Then again, time runs out. It's not the time will wait until you finish your life's adventures. Time has come for me to manage things and to believe in myself. I remember the lonely nights, lonely Christmas and new year days in a room alone. I hated it. I was just studying knowing someday I will have a family and my new years will be vibrant. Why blow it up? I miss my parents. It's so hard. No one is going to be like parents. I am going to get hurt. The only thing i can do is to be strong an dnot get hurt, also express that I am getting hurt.