Update

Having kids has not been as easy as I thought. Sometimes I don't like how my life is. I don't even know if I will have kids. We have been trying for a few months. Of course Steve took like forever to be convinced that he will have a different outcome with me than what he had previously if he decides to have kids. Him seeing my father's family clearly helped. Not a single damn divorce and all aunts and uncles have been together for 30 + years which is also their first love. That's hte Sri Lankan culture. Marriage is not reversible like in the western culture. Even my parents wouold have reunited had they been alive. They never re-married and never moved on. Sad. I wanted them to be together. I WANTED! Ammi was reluctuant. Being a 35 year old woman now, I realize what ammi actually wanted. Ammi wanted my father to say sorry and not just say sorry but to show it through his actions. He did not realize that. He tried reuniting by sending messags through others. Ammi does not work that way. And aiya and I could have played a critical role in bringing them together. We could have been a happy family. That's the thing about divorce or separation. You are weaker alone. You are weaker. I repeat. You can talk about all this independent modern bullshit and liberation crap. But the facts don't change. You are weaker alone than together. People try to fuck you up big time. There is no one to support. Easy target and everyone tries to exploit you - financially mostly. Divorce never did any good. You can talk so much about this subject. We are intelligent human beings. Solve problems rather than reversing decisions. Divorce also reflects one's ability to make judgement. They are poor decision makers. In the end, you only have ur partner. Tht's the truth. None of these so called relatives, friends give a fuck. They all have their own lives as well. And people want you screwed so they feel good about themselves. THat's the truth about human nature. Anyway - in my mind, my parents will always be together. I love them deeply. It's been almost 6 years with Steve. Yes 6 years. He was an emotional wreck when I met him. So damaged and narrow-minded. now he is a happy guy for the most, doing his own thing and all. I leave him alone. He likes space, freedom etc. I jsut let him do whatever he wants. So the question is what if we don't have kids - I really don't know. I might adopt a kid. Then again deep down you know the kid is not yours. So I am not sure if I feel the purest form of love. Or I can do a lot of social work and get engaged, make sense of my life. If i have kids, I want to live in Manhattan. I am sick of Steve always trying to move ot a cave. It doesn't matter to him because he has his own virtual world. For me, social connectoins matter. NYC is a place where I felt home and belonged. No one gives a f if you have an accent or not. It's an empty space without kids. Of course I waited so long. I could have married Gihan at 22 and built a peaceful life together. He is a nice man. I look back and think abut it. He stayed in the same company for 14 years! I mean 14 years! That was his first company he joined after graduation. I just can't imagine. That's how he is. He gets very comfortable and won't challenge himself or change the status quo. He is a man of routine. It's not a bad thing but it gets extremely boring and depressing in a relationship. He tried though. I just didn't want it at the age of 22. Maybe now, it would be a bit ok but I alway slike to evolve, change, chalenge myself etc. I get bored easily. I am already getting bored with my job and wanting more. Gihan staying at NIBM for 14 years is just insane for me. Even after him getting his Phd he didn't quit. And it's like he is teaching the same class, same coursematerial for decades. How can someone do that? I don't know. The thing I like about Steve is that he is constantly challenging himself, learning, growing and evolving. Kind of like me. We get bored. We want change. And we work well together because of that. I think a lot of bravery in life is facing things without trying to escape. If I dont; have kids, that's my destiny. I have to face it. I broke up with Gihan to explore life and thinking I can find a better guy (which ultimately became a failure). Had I married him that time, I would have had kids by now. Life is a journey. Just enjoy it and make the best of it.